Beyond the Masks

 ^34-37Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?

As my close family and friends know, these past few years have not been easy and there has been a lot of suffering.  Suffering is a daily battle for me and I continue to walk around with a dark cloud over my head day in and day out.  I was reading through Mark 8 tonight in the message and came across vs.34-37.  Every time something bad happens all I want to do is run or hide from it…specifically hide in my bed. But that is not what Christ has called us to do.  He wants us to embrace it and follow Him.  Along with running and hiding, I’ve lost a part of the real me.  Friends can see glimpses of the real Kaitlyn but she’s been gone for awhile and overtaken from much suffering. Through the next few months, she’s going to resurface and embrace all the pain and suffering because no good comes from losing who you really are.

Getting stuck can be the best thing that could happen to us, because it forces us to stop.  It halts the momentum of our lives.  We have no choice but to notice what is around us, and we end up searching for Jesus.  When we’re stuck, we’re much more likely to pay attention to our hunger for God and the longings and yearnings we have stifled.  Sometimes being stuck is the low point and we say, “Okay, I give up.”  We cannot grow without first giving up and letting go.  Getting stuck forces us to see the futility of our situation and to put life in perspective so that we can move on. -Messy Spirituality, Michael Yaconelli

People say the winter months are the loneliest months of the calendar year. Up until about a month ago, I would have 100%, hands down, no questions asked agreed. That was until I became stuck.

Yaconelli put it very well, looking back I think my getting stuck was one of the best things to happen to me.  Yes, I know I am only 22 years young but lets rewind a little bit. A few months prior to becoming stuck, I felt like I was on top of the world.  I had the internship I always dreamed of, worked with loving and caring people, had wonderful friends and family, and was so close to completing my undergraduate work.  At the time what could have been any better?

I had Jesus in my life and thought I was doing everything “right”.  I had my personal devotional time with Him, was going to church every week, leading youth groups, and spending time growing in my faith with people my own age but I forgot something along the way.  I forgot to take care of myself mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety for over 5 years and have always done just that… “dealt.”  Well just dealing with it was getting me nowhere FAST.  God was showing me that I could not just keep going on day by day making ends meet.  My spirit was being worn down bit by bit and after years of enduring that everyday.  One day you wake up and realize it is not there anymore.  I looked at a picture that was taken my senior year of high school and just stared at the girl looking back at me.  Her face was glowing and her smile was vibrant.  She looked unfamiliar to me.  I wanted to be her. 

I looked at pictures from my freshman and sophomore year at Western Illinois University.  I had the same roommate for those two years and we got along great. We were like sisters.  Some people even would ask us if we were and we’d just laugh.  And when I look back at those pictures my smile became less vibrant and my face did not glow.  Then I transferred to Concordia University in Chicago and it felt like I was starting to get some of myself back.  I wasn’t completely happy but I was the happiest I had been in the past couple years so I figured it was as good as it was going to get.

I carried on being involved on campus, working, and maintaining good grades.  It was two weeks before graduation this past December when I became stuck.  It was as if my feet were caught in wet cement and the cement was drying rapidly.  I said not only to myself but to my parents:”I’m done, I give up.”  I simply did not know how to get unstuck so I could move forward.  I WANTED to move forward deep down in my heart but I was sick and needed to see what the doctors could do.  As I’ve learned, it’s not just what the medical professionals can do but what tools they can equip you with to get back on track.  Some people need medicines whether it be for a short period of time or the rest of their lives but that doesn’t fix everything.  You have to go on a journey to figure out who YOU are and what makes you who you are.  It’s going to be a lifelong journey but it is a wonderful one.

I am now at the point where I can move on because I am listening to what God has been trying to tell me all along. I have to take care of myself in order to effectively minister to and take care of others.  There is no doubt that God has made me a person who loves caring for others but now it is time to find the balance so I am also taking care of myself.

“Don’t be fooled by me.  Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.  For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off; and none of them are me. I give you the impression that I’m secure, that confidence is my name and I’m in command, and that I need no one.  But don’t believe me. Please.

My surface may seem smooth… beneath I dwell in confusion, in fear in aloneness.  but I hid this. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.  That’s why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is my salvation. And I know it. It’s the only thing that can assure me of acceptance and love.  I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh, your laugh would kill me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. And so my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave surface tones… I tell you everything that’s nothing and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me.  So when I go into my routine, do not be foole by what I am saying.  Please listen carefully to hear what I am not saying.

I dislike the superficial, phony game I’m playing.  I’d like to be genuine and spontaneous, and ME.  You’ve got to hold out your hand even when it seems to be the last thing I seem to want, or need.  Only you can call me into aliveness.  Each time you’re kind, gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, small wings, very feeble wings.

I want you to know how important you are to me. How you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to.  But it will not be easy for you.  A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.  It is irrational, but despite what the books say about man, I am irrational.  I fight against the very things I cry out for.  But I am told that love is strong than walls and therein lies my hope. Please try to beat down those firm walls with firms hands, but with gentle hands- for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?  I am someone you know very well.  I am every man and woman you meet.”

—Anonymous

I was given this quote about a month ago and I think everyone can relate to it.  In some way shape or form.  As a culture, we need to start listening to what others are not saying.  It will change our lives.